Obviously we need a Ministry of Compassion to manage 'Fairness'. Fairness is too important to be left to 'market forces' and the unbridled racist blood lust of selfish, greedy neo-cons. Fairness is the key to life. Fairness created the modern world. Fairness means innovation, production, and job creation. Fairness mandates love and compassion – and even commitment to love and compassion. What can be more fair than being deeply committed to profound love and compassion all in the name of fairness ? Fairness is simply fair. 'Fairness' fits onto a sticker for your small hybrid or electric car's bumper. Fairness is your value. You love fairness. Fairness loves you.

An example of unfairness is that 100% of giving birth to children is performed by women. A fair society would mandate that men must share in this process and constitute 50% of the birthing total. Surely no one can object to such a policy of unambiguous fairness?

Everyone is fairly the same, no less a wit than John Stuart Mill said so. We need fairness in everything. Why shouldn't everyone fairly reap the benefits of what racists, imperialists, neo-cons and their atavistic cohorts of barbarian and profoundly phobic-hordes, have plundered ? It would be entirely fair to kill those who don't believe that fair is fair and that all assets and monies must be fairly shared. The science is closed on fair. Kill the Unbeliever. Now that would be fair.

The Ministry of Compassion should implement, immediately, acting now! the following fairness doctrines [they seem hauntingly fairly familiar......]:

-fair taxation in which 10% pay 60% of all Federal Income tax [this should be increased to 100% as soon as practicable]

-fairly subsidized post-secondary tuition for all students, in all programs, at all colleges regardless of their utility or import to society [from 50% to 100%]

-free and fair health care managed by a fair bureaucracy [only those who are un-fairly poor qualify].

-free and fair dental care for those who are unfairly poor

-unlimited and condition-free and fair welfare transfers to those who are unfairly poor [raped by the vicious market]

-unlimited and condition-free and fair transfers from the young to the old [these payments must be doubled – that is only fair for the old and grey]

-free and fair subsidization of all fairly-green technology firms [what can be more fair then green mother earth technology?]

-free and fairly grand pensions to the 40% of workers who work for the fairly equal governmental bureaucracies and the police

But more must be done to equalize fairness. Fairness is being unfairly limited. Unleash the fairness beast:

Social Fairness:

-Free and fair daycare for everyone paid by a 'fair tax' on corporations named the “children's future and fairness tax”

-Free and fairly equal haircuts are to be directed by the 'Compassionate Coiffure Commission.' Some people having nice hair-cuts is simply unfair. This means the nationalization of all hair cutting studios.

-All cars will be the same size [small] and hybrid. Only one colour will be allowed. It is unfair to have some people in nice cars; and others with no cars at all. For those who don't possess an auto, you will be able to fairly share your neighbours at your whim and discretion.

-Free and fair daycare for everyone paid for by punishing businesses in 'unfair competition' to make 'unfairly disproportionate profits'

-Under the 'fairness in sports' law, all teams will be winners, all players will win trophies, and all leagues will end up with all teams fairly tied.

-All citizens will have the same weight. It is unfair that some are large and some are small.

-All citizens will wear the same clothing – regulated by the Fair Dressed Commission. Black and Red coats and pants will be mandatory.

Housing, Job and Asset Fairness:

-Housing must be fairly accessible. All mortgages will be paid by the government. This will be financed by a tax on oil firms under fairness guidelines.

-Given that unemployment unfairly targets those who are the most fair; every citizen will take a turn at being unemployed. After your one year period of unemployment you will be fairly reintegrated back into the workforce, into a job as stipulated by the Compassionate Commission on Workforce Fairness.

-Education is a human right and social asset. It must be fairly and evenly accessed. All private schools will be shuttered. It is unfair that some students might have recourse to a better education.

Business and Income Fairness:

-A fair and compassionate limitation on corporate profits at 10% of net revenues. The rest will be distributed to the government, to the tax revenue category labelled 'Fairness Revenue'.

-Incomes must be fairly capped at $100.000 per annum [this is the 'rich' 1%]; and redistributed by the Ministry of Compassion under the fairness doctrine to those who earn less than $25.000 per annum [the goal is that every single worker in the private sector earns $50.000 per year, that is a fair number].

-Government workers and the police are exempt from the above law. All such workers, given their fairly obvious superiority must make a fair wage of $150.000 per annum [these are the little people and it is only fair they are compensated properly]. These amounts can be paid from the 'Fairness Revenue' fairly plundered from businesses.

Since fairness is the only objective truth, anyone opposed to the above will simply be shot on the orders of the Fairness Gestapo who work for the Ministry of Compassion. It is unfair that anyone would object to fairness. We cannot have deviation. Fair is the truth. Fairness is the decree. Fair and equal the dogma. It is only fair to obey. Submit and be fairly happy. Glory in the mediocrity of being fair.