Letters by a modern St. Ferdinand III about cults

Here is a freebie for the Greenists and Eco-intolerants. How to rebrand your cult. The possibilities for power and money are endless. So get with it.

Question: What would you do as Marketing Manager for the GlobloneyWarming cult? The cult has a problem. GlobaloneyWarming is a well-known fraud, scam and illiteracy. Its main proponents have stolen in-toto, hundreds of billions of dollars. Its high priest, L Ron Gore is now a Billionaire, he was once just a mere millionaire. The UN-IPCC-CRU Hadley nexus has been revealed to be an unscientific cadre of fear-mongering extremists who lied, manipulated data and just made things up. Huge firms such as GE survive off of 'Green' subsidies as they manufacture and sell products to 'save the Earth Mother'. Imagine that you were L Ron Gore's chief Marketing expert and had to 're-brand' the cult? Tough job. The antecedents seem unfriendly. GlobaloneyWarming was cited in the 1930s and 40s as forecasting the end of Mother Earth [and the hated human]. That failed. GlobaloneyCooling took over in the 70s. That failed. GlobaloneyWarming came back in the 90s with two novel and incoherently unscientific ideas. The first was that Co2, a minor natural gas necessary for life, which is less than 1% of atmospheric gases, and which follows climate [and always has]; was 'forcing' Mother Earth into a heating cycle. The second illiteracy was that the earth's climate system of 1 million or more variables is a 'closed' system or 'greenhouse', when it obviously isn't. If the earth was a greenhouse our climate would imitate that of Mars and there would be no life and certainly no Internet [thanks L Ron for inventing that].

This would be an interesting case study. What would L Ron Gore's Marketing Manager now do to rebrand GlobaloneyWarming? Here is a free how-to-guide for the Eco Intolerants. It will work. Bear in mind that some essentials of the Warm-mongering cult need to be kept. The main tenets of this cult have mutated and matured in a corrupt way, since the 1930s. We need to maintain some of the more important elements as the cult repositions itself to seize power and money. As L Ron's Marketing Manager you would need to emphasize the following:

1) The evil human

The GlobaloneyWarming cult just did not demonize the human enough. This is a fact. Like a bad Matt Damon movie we need to set up the human as an evil machine, not a species which is intelligent, rational, creative, emotive, complex or special. Demonize the buggers. In the original organization of the cult, the human was not so-hated or vilified. Killing off surplus obese irrational humans became part of the cult only in the 1990s. Hating humans is pretty cool and in vogue today. Just watch TV or drive by the abortion clinics which litter every urban center [no limit, just drop in and pop it out, no need for counseling etc.]. Pop-culture and the BC news media [bull puddy?], reiterate that the modern world is an appalling place thanks to humans. This is like the old joke about France being wonderful except for the French. Abortion, eliminating 30% of the population, demonizing anyone who washes their hair – we need to keep that.

2) Pick a toxin or toxins that is not abstract

We need an evil toxin produced by the demonic human. The two together will allow us to form a cartoon of just how awful the human and civilisation is. We can conflate all deaths, sufferings and the oppression of minorities – even if they are majorities – by the evil modern human and this substance. Co2 is not a toxic substance. Carbon energy processes have no impact on climate. We need something better. We need a chemical that humans produce which destroys the Earth Mother and children's lives. We need a broad category. Therefore the toxin and toxins of choice must be vague like 'chemicals'. Chemicals – which can mean anything or nothing – encompass auto pollution, detergents, water poisoning, landfills, floating plastic islands in the sea, aerosol sprays, ozone depletion, DDT.....It is perfect. The new evil are 'chemicals' married with the human.

Halliburton + GW Bush + eating Chicken + the Nuclear Industry + Chlorox + Shampoo + SUVs + All American military conflicts = Climate change and the Earth Mother's destruction. The new moniker - Global-Chemical-Imbalance. GCI. That seriously rocks.

3) Scientism is the new perfection

Even though Christian Europe invented the modern world and most of the cultural-moral aspects of civilisation, we need to get on with finishing the job started by Voltaire and his friends. Ethics, morality, right and wrong is so old style. Relativity, 'we don't really know', 'there is no truth', one man's right is another man's wrong – the only sure thing is science and that humans are evil and stupid. One of L Ron's great creations was the 'science is settled' nonsense even though most scientists don't have a clue about climate. Who cares. We can sign up anyone with a Pretty Happy Dude degree, or a Masters in something or other, get them to sign a petition with the emotive title of 'Do you love the Earth Mother, and desire blue skies, clean air, and fresh water [and do you like children even though you support massive abortion?],- if so sign here'. Presto. Global-Chemical-Imbalance is a fact. We will have 86.000 'scientisits' immediately on the team. Only 12 'dissenters' will be left. We can than destroy them, their careers, and their families. It is easy. The media will only be too happy to oblige – especially if we bribe them with the various tax monies we can collect and tell them that the dissenters are friends of GW Bush and the oil industry.

4) Models Models Models

The GlobaloneyWarming cult's fraudulent models and data were hacked and revealed to the world. We can't have that with GCI. All models produced by the 86.000 scientists will be kept secret. We will simply publish data for the UN and the media which shows an unassailable link between GCI and any and all matter of climate or seasonal weather changes. We will then lie when we need to. If the winter is cold in Russia but warmer in Australia, the GCI models must make the link back to human activity in creating chemicals. Importantly we need to link the increase in disease, cancer and even death rates to GCI.

5) Link with the children's future

One reason why the Warm-mongering cult failed was that the children's future was not emphasized. We can't get tax money to subsidize the cult unless we invoke the children. Our 86.000 non-scientists will have to publish media and UN reports linking GCI to the deaths of children, to deformities in the young, and the spread of Leukemia in adolescents. We have to conjure up real life stories of poor African children being victimized by the chemical pollution from White nations and their horrible deaths from malaria, malnutrition, a lack of potable water, dysentery – all of these and more must be linked back to GCI. We need to run more sensitive and emotionally devastating advertisements than World Vision. We are now after all competing in the same marketplace.

6) Get that tax money – Trillions!

One reason why GlobaloneyCooling failed is that the scope of the cult was too limited. GlobaloneyCooling only had hundreds of millions of dollars at stake. GlobaloneyWarming increased that to hundreds of billions. But this is not enough. We need to get into the many Trillions. We need to get politicians elected in every major country who can transfer to the cult and its organizations the Trillions which are necessary to impose our will. We need to buy off every important political party with tax money. We need to bribe every large corporation with tax money. The template of the Warming cult is there to use. We need to vastly expand it. The warmingcult was too mild. We need to be more extreme in our pilfering.

In this regard Ted Turner, George Soros, Maurice Strong, the Sierra Club, WWF, the UN and other groups must form a working committee to make sure that we can pillage more tax money from national and transnational governments and organizations. We can do this after completing steps 1 to 5 above. The key point is that we need to control 25% of all national budgets. Once that happens nothing can stop us. The propaganda cum-education of the young and media dis-information will naturally fall into line.

7) Give the faithful something to believe!

The ancient Greeks set up the Oracle of Delphi as a temple to Apollo the Sun and Music God. The high priestesses were stoned on Datura leaves and mumbled some nonsense to any who brought a question. They were revealing what the 'Earth Mother' forecasted. But like Nostradumuses sayings, much of what these stoned women muttered was completely inane and incomprehensible. No matter. The Delphic cult believed. This is essential. Muslims believe they are the chosen ones destined by the moon deity for an after-life of pleasure and endless sex [at least for Muslim men]. Our new Earth Mother cult has to give the cult members a combination of Delphic surety and Islamic rewards. It must in other words, transcend mere paganism and take on the attributes of a religion. To this end I propose the establishment – with tax money – of Churches in every single urban center, with the name of 'Earth Mother Institute'. Thus they will not look like a 'normal church' and won't be vilified by really smart people or the media. We will teach that by following our cult, your life will be purified, you will be moral, you will be superior, and at some point, because you are 'one with nature', you will be rewarded in both this life and the next.

We will need a church-like organization, set of rituals, mandatory sumptuary laws [green clothing at the church only], management and most importantly, an unlimited desire to separate the worshippers from their money. The new Church will be intimately linked with the Earth Mother. Everything we do will be in her honor.

Rebranding a failed line of products is always hard. But with the above as a basis I feel fairly confident that the GlobaloneyWarming cult can transform itself into the great protector of Mother Earth. Co2 is too abstract for most. Chemicals wiping out babies, being used by oil and the nuclear industry, corporations profiteering from the proliferation of toxic chemicals in food and all consumer products....linking these manifestations of human evil to Mother Earth is the Mother lode so to speak, of political and financial opportunity.